Couselling for Bereavement - Essex CBT Therapy

At some time in our lives most of us have experienced the loss of something dear to us, however, death is not often discussed openly. All people grieve in their own way after any sort of loss, but this is usually felt most significantly after the death of someone we love. Grieving is often described as an intense feeling of sorrow and experienced as a process of stages. Many people say that they need to commemorate the loss of someone or something by way of a formal funeral process. This can help make our loss seem more real and make it easier for us to accept what has happened, if only in the short term.

Every experience of grief is unique and therefore nobody can completely 'understand' what you are going through, however people who have been bereaved tend to experience common emotions even if there is some variation in the way that these are experienced. How you view and cope with your loss will depend on a number of factors, including previous losses, culture, religion and family support available to you.

A common emotion that many people feel is guilt in response to bereavement. People find themselves going over in their minds all the things they would have liked to have said or done with the loved one they have lost. They may even consider what they could have done differently and that they might have prevented the death. Some people may feel guilty if they are relieved that the individual has died following an illness. This feeling of relief is natural, understandable and very common.

Some people often feel agitated, angry or vengeful after the death of someone. This tends to be experienced at its peak a couple of weeks following the bereavement and is followed by sadness and sometimes depression. It can feel as though our emotions are changing from one day to the next, which can be distressing and confusing for the sufferer.

Bereavement can also cause physical reactions including sleeplessness, loss of energy and loss of appetite and common thoughts such as: 'I can't believe it'; 'Why did it have to happen?'; 'If only'; 'life has no meaning, I can't go on'; 'What if I forget them'; and 'people must see how much I miss them'.

Stages of Grief

There are common stages that are experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal. You may experience some overlap between the stages, which is totally normal.

The following stages have been identified by psychiatrist and researcher Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom and the death of a loved one). The stages are:

Denial - This is when the recently bereaved person cannot accept what has happened to them. They might sometimes even forget what has happened and constantly refer to the person/pet as still being with them. This is usually a temporary defence that people use to cope.

Anger - Once the sufferer has acknowledged what has happened they may start to feel angry with themselves, the deceased, other people around them and if they are religious, their god. People might also start to look for people to blame. Common thoughts in this stage include: 'Why me? It's not fair!'; 'How can this happen to me?'

Bargaining - This third stage relates to people who are terminally ill and involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Psychologically, the person is saying, 'I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time...'

Depression - During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand what has happened is happening to them. The recently bereaved may start to isolate themselves from family and friends and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This is considered an important stage for grief to be processed.

Acceptance - This final stage signifies the moment that the bereaved individual accepts what has happened cannot be changed and is able to consider ways of moving forward with his or her life.

Unresolved or Unhealthy Grief

Unhealthy grief comes when the ultimate goal and stage of acceptance has not been reached after a significant period of time. Sometimes, the grieving process is especially difficult. Some find it impossible to acknowledge the bereavement at all, which can mean that their feelings are not worked through properly. This can sometimes happen if you don't have time to grieve properly, perhaps because you are too busy focusing on making sure the other people in your life are managing adequately.

It is important to remember that there is no 'standard' way of grieving. We are all individuals and have our own particular ways of grieving. We do what comes naturally to us at the time. However, during the process of grief some people can become 'stuck' and will feel like they 'can't move forward' with their lives. If this is occurring many years after the bereavement and or is significantly impairing your ability to function on a day to day basis, you may need to consider seeking help.

Unresolved grief can produce depression, loss of appetite and suicidal thoughts. According to Mind (the National Association for Mental Health), you are more likely to have a difficult grieving process if: